his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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