Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Did I show you my penis last night?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
