I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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