Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
