I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
