can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize