omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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