I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize