why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
