The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
