I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
