The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize