He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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