My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
