I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
