I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
