I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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