Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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