Me. At least after what I've been through.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
