Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
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