My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
