guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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