Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
