i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
no, he came in my armpit
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
