Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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