...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
