Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
