I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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