You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize