I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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