I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
