he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
