in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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