Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
