Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
