btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
