I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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