watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
