I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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