I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize