I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You were trust falling into bushes
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
