Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
