Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
