i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
