I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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