Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
