Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
