This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
