so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
