dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
