I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
