There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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