Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
