i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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