Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
