woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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