one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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