I just pynch a tree in the face
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
