I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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