my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
