I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
