Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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